I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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