You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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