It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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