I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize