My sheets look like a crime scene.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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