I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Randomize
