3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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