I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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