Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
why does every cop we meet know your name?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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