so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
