Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
