omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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