I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
