does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
