I can tuck mytits in my pants
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
