the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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