just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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