I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
