Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize