Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My vagina is very pro this idea
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
