At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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