the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
