remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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