I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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