Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
