I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
is wine microwaveable?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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