Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
birth control should be required to get into college
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
