Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You dont lie about slip and slides
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
