i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
