my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
