I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize