yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize