I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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