He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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