At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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