Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
