Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
