When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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