Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
