why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
