This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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