i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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