A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize