I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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