Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
