i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
