why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
