I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Randomize
