Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
