tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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