the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
the liver wants what the liver wants
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
