Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
