My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
