What did we do last night that was yellow?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
