I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
