I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
