remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize