Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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