We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
