oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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