He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
