peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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